


Out of the ring

by PeaceLily



Category: DCU, Marvel
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Mention of Domestic Violence, More allusion to domestic violence really, not joker friendly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-02-28 09:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13268286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeaceLily/pseuds/PeaceLily
Summary: In a not-quite-Amalgam universe that never was, two circus themed villains* at the start of their careers hang out between misadventures.*For now, at least.





	1. Backstage

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in collaboration with a nine year old who suddenly realised that two of her favourite characters were both vaguely circus themed (well clown-themed and with a circus background).  
> She told me the story, I wrote it down.
> 
> Constructive criticism of my inadequate writing is welcome, leave her plots and characterisations out of it, please.

                                                                                                            1: Backstage  
  
  


“Ouch”  

 

“Aw Hawky, didja get beat up again?”

 

“Just a -aw couch springs!- just a little bit”

 

“Honey ya have ta stop this, Red’s not good fer ya: you have an imbalanced relationship”

 

“How come you can say “Imbalanced relationship” but nine out of ten times you can’t even pronounce the word “you”?”

 

“ _You_ are deflectin’ and I ain’t gonna rise to it: I am a qualified psychiatrist an' I am tellin’ ya, you have gotta break out of this pattern of self-harm an self-delusion.

She’s just usin’ ya, honey!”

 

“And I know that, and you know I know that, and I know you know I know that, but you know what else I know?”

 

“...No?”

 

“I know she took just as much of the risks as I did, and I got just as much of the money as she did, and if the Avengers are going after anybody it’s the hot chick in the spotlight, not the guy hanging out in the background like some bad guy of the week’s Minion Number Six

 

…Even if that guy is a kickass sniper with a bow and arrow”

 

“Course y’are Hawky”

 

“…You know what else I know?”

 

“Nope!”

 

“I know you didn’t get those bruises fighting with the Bat”

 

“Don’tcha know it’s not nice to pass remarks on a lady’s appearance?”

 

“Harley”

 

“We maybe had a little domestic altercation”

 

“Harley…”

 

“It ain’t Mistah J’s fault! We have a very passionate relationship, he just has difficulty showin’ his affection is all”

 

“ _Harley_!”

 

“Seriously, honey, I’m fine! Couldn’t be better!”

 

“…If you ever need anyone to help you out…”

 

“ Aw, don’t get ya skirt in a bunch, Hawky, I’ll be ok”

 

“You want some ice for those “marks of affection?”

 

“…Sure”

 

“Here. Now skootch up: Dog Cops is on in ten minutes and these springs are digging into my everything”.


	2. Roll Up

                                                                                                      

 

“Hey!

What’s goin’ on?

What’s with all the crowds?”

 

“Psst!”

 

“Huh?”

 

“ _Harley_!

Up here!”

 

“Clint?

Whatcha doin’ up there?”

 

“Just get up here will you?” 

 

“…Ok, fine, so now I’m up a tree.

Why are we up a tree, Hawkeye?”

 

“ _Look_!”

 

“Is that…Iron man on roller-skates?”

 

“Uh-huh.

He’s been going past about every five minutes for the last hour.”

 

“So what: you lyin’ in wait to assassinate him or somethin’?”

 

“What?

No!

I’m just trying to get out of here without him seeing me.” 

 

“Huh?”

 

“You know what those guys are like: they see you, innocently walking through town, minding your own business and they have to come ruin everyone’s day trying to

arrest you”

 

“Oh.

Yeah, heroes are like that”

 

“And they’re always so mad about it too, like “Dammit! I take one day off! Now here you are causing trouble” like I want to get beat up by some guy in rocket powered armour”

 

“Yeah!

Like, who asked you to save the day, huh?”

 

“Uh, innocent bystanders usually.

Or hostages, dupes, sometimes police officers.

People like that.”

 

“Oh.

Right.

So if you ain’t plannin’ to shoot Iron Man, what’re ya doin'?

You got something else planned?”

 

“Not really”. 

 

“Then ya don’t think you’re a little conspicuously dressed?

Take a tip from yer Aunt Harley an’ dress it down a little”

 

“This is you dressed down?"

 

"Sure!

You don’t see me hidin’ in a tree do ya?

Or ya didn’t.

I am to-tally in-cog-ni-to.

Truth is, I can wear anything I like, so long’s it’s not a jester’s outfit with a little bitty domino mask.

No-one’s any tha wiser.”

 

“I guess. 

…I like your hair like that”

 

“Hey thanks, Hawky!”

 

“Any time, Harley.

The thing is, I was heading to the Iceberg Lounge, until Mr Golden Avenger there showed up. 

You see people in costume there all the time: I just thought it’d be nice to be myself for a while, you know?

To just say, “Yeah, I’m the guy who made that impossible shot off the top off the clock tower, I took out those security guys down at the docks, I’m the guy who stole those plans from right under Kingpin’s nose”

 

“Maybe don’t say that last part if tha Kingpin’s people are in though.”

 

“Maybe not.

I just want to be…me, you know”

 

“And you can’t be you wearin’ pants?”

 

“Not and have anyone know who I _am_.

I just…sometimes it’s good to go where everyone knows your name, I guess”.

 

“No, I get it.

Ya know what you need?”

 

“What do I need, Aunty Harley?”

 

“I changed my mind.

That’s creepy.

Don’t do that”.

 

“No problem, oh Doctor Quinn.

So, what do I need?”

 

“You need, like, a stealth costume”. 

 

“For hiding up trees?

I can’t wear Lincoln Green: that’d be copyright infringement or something”.

 

“No!

Fer goin’ to bars and hangin’ out an’ bein’ _you_ , dummy!

You need, like, a pair of pants an’ a shirt with an arrow on it.

Somethin’ classy but casual that don’t say “Here I come to steal ya wallets” ya know?”

 

“I don’t steal wallets.

…Not often, anyhow”.

 

“An’ I am sure that there’s plenty of lowlife’s just gettin’ started that’s grateful to you fer leavin’ that gap in the market.

What I’m sayin’ is, you need somethin’ that’s Hawkeye, but _subtle_ Hawkeye”.

 

“For going to bars”.

 

“Right!”

 

“A shirt with an arrow on it”.

 

“A _purple_ arrow”.

 

“I’d look kind of dumb, though: all those mob bosses in their sharp suits, Nat and Ivy and everyone looking all glamorous, and me in a shirt with an arrow on it”

 

“I guess.

It was just an idea”.

 

“Aw, Harley, no, it was a _great_ idea, I’ll totally try it.

If I ever get out of this tree”

 

“You don’t hafta.

Probably nobody would recognise ya with pants on, anyhow”.

 

“Heh.

They’d all be staring, like “Who is this mysterious trousered man?”

 

““Trousered?”

 

“It was that or pantsed”

 

“You wanna be pantsed, Hawky, you only gotta say the word”.

 

“Harley!

Put your hands up and back away from the underwear”.

 

“Spoilsport.

Looks kinda fun, don’t it?”

 

“My underpants?!”

 

“No, dummy, the roller-skates.

I mean, I ain’t usually rocket powered, but I’d give those a try”

 

“You could be rocket powered.

You could use a stick of comedy dynamite, or one of those guns that says “bang” or something”.

 

“Nah.

I leave mosta that stuff ta Mistah J.

I’d just train up a packa huskies or something’" 

 

“And go mushing through the streets?”

 

“Sure.

Wouldn’t you wanna try?”

 

“Husky powered roller-skates?

 

Why not?

I could wear my new inconspicuous costume and nobody would even notice”. 

 

“You’d be totally invisible, plowin’ through the crowds like some kinda…invisible…plough…thing”

 

“That one got away from you, huh?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Maybe I wouldn’t want to be invisible.

Maybe I’d go streaming through the streets yelling Waahooo!”

 

“Watch out do-gooder’s!

Hawkeye’s here an’ he’s a got husky-powered jet sleigh!”

 

“It’s a jet-sleigh now?”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Citizen’s beware!

I am here to release canine chaos on your innocent streets!

Also arrows!”

 

“Yeah!

Behold: ya doom is at hand!”

 

“…Uh…Harley?”

 

“You shall fall before the wheels of…yeah?”

 

“Is it kind of quiet down there?”

 

“Uh…..”

 

“Run?”

 

“ _Run_!”

 

 

 

 

“…”

 

“Dammit!

 

I take one day off!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we may have been watching this Batman: The Animated Series episode...
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J064TI8WDKo


	3. Send In The Clowns

  
“Hahahahahahahahahahaha!”

 

“Bu-bye Batsy!

Hey, Mistah J?

Shouldn’t we be goin’ faster than this?

Do ya think maybe all the bullion’s slowin’ us down?

Mistah J?

Hey, what’re ya doin'?

Mistah J?

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!”

 

                                                                         —————————————————————-

“Well ain’t that swell! Thanks for all the hard work, Harley, lemme show my appreciation by _throwin’ ya outta the helicopter_!

 

That big jackass, next time I see him I’m gonna…why is there a leg in this dumpster?”

 

“Mmmmph, just five more minutes Barney I…zzzzzzz”

 

“ _Clint?!_

Wake up ya big dummy you’re sleepin’ in the trash.”

 

“Whu? Harley? what’re you…aw, dumpster, no”

 

“Hey Hawky, what’cha doin’ in the dumpster?”

 

“Had a…thing…in the Diamond District”

 

“A dumpster thing?”

 

“No a regular, uh, hold-up thing.

Then Victor showed up and started throwing his weight around, and _then_ the Avengers showed, and everybody seemed to think I was on the other side so I got out of there, only everybody wound up chasing me and…hey, look, I’ve still got the diamonds!”

 

“The diamonds that Vic an’ the Avengers an’ everyone was afta?”

 

“I guess that explains why they were chasing me.

Still, score one for the bad guys, huh?”

 

“Yeah, go us!

So…are ya plannin’ to get outta the dumpster anytime soon?”

 

“Nah, I’m comfy here.

Yeah, sure just gimme a minute.

What’re you up to here anyway?”

 

“You know, bringin’ the city to its knees, that sorta thing.

Oh, hey, ya might wanna be outta the city Tuesday.

Or you could try not breathin’ I guess”

 

“What’s happening on Tuesday?”

 

“Well ya know what they say: you’re never fully dressed without a smile.

Speakin’ of which, you should maybe put some tights on: I can see _riiight_ up your…”

 

_“Harley!”_

 

“I’m just sayin’ "

 

“ _Don’t_ say.

How does bringing the city to its knees equal you in a dumpster, anyway?”

 

“Oh, ya know, the helicopter was kinda heavy, an I guess I wasn’t wearin’ my seatbelt an…’”

 

“He pushed you out of a helicopter, didn’t he?”

 

“Well don’t jus’ _say_ it like that!”

 

“Is there supposed to be a good way to say “Your creepy boyfriend pushed you out of a helicopter because he’d rather save the loot than save you”?”

 

“It’s not like I broke my neck or nothin’.

Look at me, good as new, not a scratch on me!”

 

“Sitting in the trash.”

 

“Well sure!

I hadta land somewhere.

Course I didn’t know I’d be landin’ on you”

 

“Or what?

You’d have aimed for the pavement instead?

Look, Harley, I know how it is: you want to think he’s just looking out for you, but I’ve seen it before.

I’ve _been there_ before.

It’s what I had with Barney, with Trick and the Swordsman, hell even with my Dad at the start.

You tell yourself it’s not so bad, they’re doing the best they can, but they just keep hurting you and…

He’s _hurting you_ , Harley”

 

“Wow, everyone ya ever loved treated ya like garbage, didn’t they?”

 

“And here I lie”.

 

“Aw, Clint, honey, it’s not so bad.

C’mon, outta the trash-heap now, there ya go, Harley’s gotcha.

 _I_ ain’t gonna treat ya like trash anyhow”.

 

“That…really wasn’t my point.

Just.

I don’t know.

Just look after yourself, ok?

And if you ever, you know, if you need somewhere to go…My door’s always open ok?

Mostly because I forgot where I left the key.

And…here”

 

“You’re giving me your diamonds?

Am I gonna get chased by a mad scientist an’ a pack of heroes now?”

 

“No.

Maybe.

Probably not.

Just hold onto it, ok?

Put it somewhere safe and if you need money or something…Just look after yourself, Harley, please”.

 

“Don’t I always?

Who’s the one sittin’ in a dumpster anyway?”

 

“Uh, both of us?”

 

“Oh.

Yeah.

Guess I better be goin’, Mistah J’s gonna be wonderin’ where I am.

See ya round, Clint”.

 

“Take care, Harley”.


	4. Animal Acts

                                                           —————————————Chapter 4 Animal Acts——————————-

 

“Clint? Hey Clint, ya home?”

“*Snrfflrfff*”

“Wakey wakey, Hawky!”

“Wuh? Harl -what the futz are those?!”

“I brought puppies!”

“You -*yawn*- you sure did. 

Uh, Harley?” 

“Yeah?”

“Why did you bring me puppies?” 

“Well, I didn’ exactly _bring you_ puppies”

“You didn’t?”

“Nuh-uh”

“They sure look like puppies” 

“Yeah….you see…” 

“Actually…”

“I didn’t so much bring them for _you_ …”

“They don’t look like puppies as much as…” 

“…as I kinda need to hide them.”

“teeny tiny hyena cubs”

“Uh…Sanctuary?”

“Ok. This looks…pretty typical really.

So, I’m not saying no or anything, just…Why are we hiding baby hyenas in my apartment?”

“Mistah J said he was gonna run them over with a _steamroller_!”

“He did?”

“Yeah. 

So will ya hide them for me?

Please Hawky?

Ya did say I should come to ya if I needed anything.”

“I was thinking more on the lines of somewhere to lie low, or five hundred dollars in unmarked bills, or something.

Not a den for refugee hyena babies” 

“Do you have five dollahs in unmarked bills?”

“Nope. I got, uh, six bucks and a quarter…oh, hey, and a sachet of peanut butter.

Why?

Did you need money to pay for a hyena reservation?”

“Nah.

I was just curious.

So can you take them?

Just till Mistah J forgets about them?

It won’t take long: he forgets about me all the time”.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll take ‘em.

Can you spot me a couple bucks for hyena chow?”

“No need.

See?

I brought you a sack full of steak!”

“You…did, didn’t you?

That’s great, Harley that’s…very bloody.

I’m just gonna put those in the icebox real quick, ok?”

“Sure thing Hawkeye.

Hey, Clint?”

“Yeah?”

“You mind if I put my feet up fer a minute?

We kinda lit outta there in the middle of the night and I need my beauty rest”.

“Oh, sure, just leave me my blanket and…”

“*Snorrrffffllle*”

“Hey there little guys”.

                                                                                                                …………..

“So how’d ya know they wuz hyenas, anyhow?”

“I dunno: they just look kind of hyena-y, don’t they?”

“I guess.

I just figured they wuz puppies.

Who just abandons hyena babies in the middle of a city?”

“This city?

Could be anyone, really.

They were just lucky their Aunty Harley was there to save the day.”

“Hey! Watch the language there buster!

I ain’t no hero!”

“Man, I’m sorry, I just meant you, you know, scooped them up and embroiled them in your life of crime”.

“Right.

They’re gonna be my minions now.

Aren’t you, babies?

Yes, yes you are!

Who’re Mommy’s little henchmen?

...But how’d ya know what hyena-y looks like?”

“Oh, right, so there was this one year we set up next to a menagerie”.

“Lions an’ tigers an’ bears oh my?”

“Yep.

And hyenas.

I used to go in and hang around with the animals when I had some time to myself.

The keepers let me help out around the place and, I dunno, it was just somewhere to get away from the circus for a while”

“Ya know, most people run away _to_ the circus”.

“Yeah, well, I’m just special I guess”.

“Aw, don’t ruffle your feathers, Hawky.

I wuz just thinkin’ out loud.

You ever think it’s funny how so many of us bad guys‘re circus themed?”

“Like funny peculiar or funny ahahahahaha!”

“You should probably give up on doin’ an evil laugh.

It don’t suit ya”.

“Yeah, that just sounded weird.

What do you mean funny, Harl-equin?”

“There’s just so many of us.

I mean there’s you, kinda, then there’s me an’ Mistah J.

An’ there’s Rag Doll, an’ Jester, an’ the Circus of Crime”

“Circus of Crime are Nazis, I think”.

“Seriously?”

“’s what I heard”.

“Well Hell with _them_!

They are out of Circus-Club”

“Yeah.

I mean, maybe we’re bad guys, but we still have standards.

You ever think it’s funny there aren’t any circus heroes?

I mean, bringing joy to crowds, all that kind of thing, it’s kind of a superhero gig really”

“Nah.

That’d be way too much fun for those party poopers.

Catch Bats ever going near a circus.

I mean, unless someone was bein’ held hostage there or something”

“Robin does fly through the air with the greatest of ease.”

“Yeah but he’s, ya know, propelled by the force of his determination, or the purity of his heart or something.

Heroes an’ circuses jus’ don’t mix”

“Never?

So you’ll never see Captain America: Defender of Liberty and his sidekick, Alfredo the juggling unicyclist?”

“Nope.

Too bad really: that’d be the worst team up ever.”

“Yeah? Worse than Stiltman and The Spot?”

“Worse than Killah Moth an’ Paste Pot Pete.”

“Worse than Gambit and the Royal Flush gang.”

“Hey!

You can’t use Gambit!”

“Sure I can.

See, Gambit throws exploding cards and the Royal Flush…”

“But he’s a _hero_.

You can’t a have a hero teaming up with the bad guys”

“He used to be a bad guy”.

“Really?”

“Yep: thief, con man, the whole thing.”

“Why’d he ever wanna change?”

“Search me.

You want some steak?”

“Nah, I better be goin’.

If’n I can get home before Mistah J comes round, I can maybe convince him that the puppies were just a dream.”

“…"comes round…"ok, uh, good luck with that”.

 

“Bye, Hawky”

“See you round, Harley”.

“Ok.

Hungry hyena babies…sack full of steak…pan…

… Aw, skillet, no.”

 

 

 

“Uh…how do you guys feel about pizza?”


End file.
